


Not Yet

by Blankfreeze1958



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Death, F/M, Original Character(s), Secret Relationship, Sibling Incest, Taxes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-21 06:40:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19997524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blankfreeze1958/pseuds/Blankfreeze1958
Summary: Jaime tries to save his sister. His life flashes before his eyes.





	Not Yet

"You're bleeding" she whimpered, pulling her hand from my side to show me. I took her hand in mine, thinking of all the times I had done it in the past. 

"It doesn't matter." I was with her. We were together, as we'd always been. I'd tried to be someone else. I'd really tried so hard, and in the end it just proved to me who I really was. 

And it was ok because I was here with her. 

She was scared - petrified. 

I'd stared death in the face a thousand times, but I realized she hadn't. She'd never clung to me the way she was presently. 

I hated seeing her so frightened. 

I took her face in my hands and just looked at her for a while. It had been too long since I'd seen those glowing green eyes, but we hadn't time for that now. I pulled her inside as the castle started crumbling around us. 

"Jamie-" she was shaking. 

"It's alright." I lied, pulling her further into the depths. 

I knew the only way out was through the tunnels Tyrion had built. They were our only hope. God, I was probably fucked anyway, my insides having been twisted and half torn out by that fucking Urine or whatever his name was. I can't believe Cersei fucked him... Well, actually yes I can. I would've done the same had I been her. She was smart. She did what she had to do, but I wish she hadn't. I wish she'd never had to. I wish we could've just gone away and lived quietly. I could've known our children as more than an uncle. I would've spent more time with her. More nights, more days. We wouldn't have been rushed. I wish it could've been that way for us. Maybe it could. Maybe if we made it through, if we escaped, we could run off together. Start over with this new baby. She wanted that baby so badly, I knew. I'd never had a baby, not really. But I had been there when our children were born, and while Rob boar-atheon was off hunting or whatever it was he fucked off to do. I'd been there for all the important stuff and I was here now and I knew she loved me.

It was hard to think about everything that had happened between us. To her, to me. But everything in my life had been for her.

Everything important I had ever done in my life I had done with her in mind. I wanted her. Only her, forever. 

And judging by the state of king's landing, that looked likely, but I wanted more in life. I wanted to meet our baby for the first time as a father, to hold her again as she slept, to make her laugh. There had been far too few of those opportunities in my life. It felt like we were finally open to more.

A huge piece of rubble smashed down just in front of us. I pulled her closer, holding her head to my chest and leaning over her to further shield her from the rocks.

A breath later we were on the move. I held her hand tightly, tugging her through tunnels and down steps. I was sure she knew where we were going. 

"Jamie." She choked out. 

We didn't have time to stop. 

"I'm sorry." She whimpered, her voice breaking as we descended a dark staircase. 

"Don't." I spoke calmly. "I'm sorry."

And I truly was. I had abandoned her. I'd left her to fight all our enemies on her own, to deal with Euron - I think his name was - the iron fuckhead, to carry our child on her own. I wish I could've taken it all back. I wish I would've stayed with her. I would've been here, and I would've forced her to leave sooner. 

She tripped and I caught her by her waist. 

In the dim light, I could see the shiny streaks of tears on her cheeks. She shook with fear. I'd never seen her this way.

"You're alright." I assured her, just before the ground began to shake.

She clung to me again as I held her under me, up against the wall. 

"I'm sorry." She breathed shakily in my arms. "Jamie, I'm sorry." 

"Shh, shh." I whispered. 

"Look at me." Her eyes darted up to meet mine. 

"We're going to get out of here. Do you hear me?" 

She nodded, swallowing hard. 

I pressed my forehead to hers for a minute, resisting a strong urge to kiss her. My hand clutched her short golden hair.

"We're not dying in here." I growled through gritted teeth before continuing to pull her along with me. 

We made it to the basement. It was where we'd had our first kiss. I wondered if she, too, was thinking that as we entered the dusty chamber. 

. . .

* * *

We were twelve, just budding into adolescence. She sat upon the largest dragon's skull, though father had explicitly forbade us from touching them. 

She just sat there, calmly, reading a book. 

I climbed up next to her in silence, enjoying the way the candlelight cast dancing shadows around us. Her hair was long and shiny, reflecting the light, and her pale skin looked even paler in the dim light. She looked like me, I supposed, only softer, more graceful. She had mother's hair, redder than mine, though not truly red... Golden. Her hair was of gold whereas mine was flaxen. Perhaps that's why father favoured her - she reminded him of mother... It was easier to tell myself that than to admit that it was more likely because Cersei was far more cunning than I. More clever than our septa, actually. She was always getting into trouble for correcting her. 

I tiptoed my way over to her and jumped out from behind. She didn't so much as flinch. I could tell she was glad to see me. We did not spend as much time together now, as I was usually training during the day. Today, though, our master of arms was ill. 

"Father would have your head if he saw you." I beamed. 

She shrugged and turned a page in her book. 

"It would be the first time he's paid me any mind in a month." She said under her breath. 

Father was busy all the time of late.

I watched her read, her shiny green eyes scanning quickly over the page. No doubt she could read twice as fast as I.

My eyes wandered innocently to her chest. I watched her golden pendant move against her skin as she breathed. 

"What are you reading?" I asked, not moving my eyes.

"Some dreary book about a princess who gets married off to a wretched king. Septa Gemma tells me I shall suffer the same some day. What does she know, anyway." Cersei brushed it off, but I could tell she was worried. She wouldn't be reading it if she weren't worried. 

"I won't let anyone hurt you." I said, plainly. "If anyone ever tries, I'll have their head." 

I saw the corner of her mouth twitch up. 

"Even the king?" She asked, eyes trained on her book, though I noticed she held them still. 

I nodded. "Especially that miserable old oaf." I said softly, and delighted in the fact that she smiled at it. 

"Who do you think you'll marry?" She asked nonchalantly, as she turned another page in her book. 

"I dunno." I replied, studying her face. "I suppose if I become a knight I won't have much time for a wife."

She tried to hide it but I could tell that answer satisfied her. 

"Besides," I said, "I don't like any of the girls in King's Landing but you." I meant it.

It was difficult to tell in the dim light but I think she might actually have blushed. Just for a second, though. Just before clearing her throat. 

"Jamie, how can you know if you never talk to any of them?"

"They're just nothing like you." I said. I hadn't really thought about it. She was the standard apparently, and I couldn't see anyone meeting it. 

She put her book down and leaned over. Without warning, she kissed me on the cheek. My heart leapt out of my chest. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen her do. Cersei was never tender. This was different. 

"I-I-I..." I stammered and cleared my throat. 

She laughed. "Jamie, you've never kissed anyone before, have you?"

I could feel my cheeks burning. Why was I so stupid!?

"I have!" I said defiantly, though I was lying through my teeth. 

Cersei just laughed. 

In a fit of anger and embarrassment, I pulled myself up onto the dragon skull and pulled her face to mine, meeting her lips and holding her there by the back of her head. 

Her lips were like silk and she smelled of lavender. She was perfect. 

We stayed there for some time, lips pressed together. My eyes were shut tight, a million thoughts of her running through my mind, and somehow I was frozen.

She pulled away first, undoubtedly blushing this time. 

"Septa Gemma will be looking for me by now." She breathed. It was so quiet I could barely hear it. All her smugness had been wiped away. I wished she wouldn't leave. 

* * *

Presently, as I pulled her behind me, she seemed like that girl again. 

She seemed small. Physically, she always had been rather petite, but I knew she wasn't really. She was strong as anything. We would make it through this. 

* * *

After that first kiss, we didn't see each other much. I wondered if she were avoiding me. 

One day, when we were fifteen, I saw her in the garden. She didn't sniff the flowers - or even admire them for that matter. Not like the other girls. She sat there, deep in thought. I felt bad for disturbing her, but I needed to speak to her. 

She smiled at me as I sat down beside her, the warm summer air blowing gently between us. 

"Father says you're doing well in practice." She said dryly.

I nodded. "I want to be a knight."

I glanced over at her. Her emerald green dress matched her eyes and her golden hair fell in soft curls over her shoulders. She stared at the ground. 

"I'm going to be married to the king." She said softly. 

My stomach dropped. "When?" Was all I could force out. 

"Mid-summer. They say a spring babe is good luck." She scoffed, looking disgusted.

Babies? I thought. She was thinking about babies? 

"He'll take me away to live with him."

"Do you want to go?" I shot back aggressively.

She'd noticed my alarm, judging by the way she looked at me.

"I don't."

That night, I pleaded with my father not to send her away. I didn't see how I could live without her. I never had.

Father scolded me, slapping me across the face for questioning him.

Cersei would leave me then. I couldn't stand it. 

As luck would have it, though, the marriage arrangements did not work out as planned. 

I was content for the time being.

I began to see Cersei more often. It was becoming clear to me how we were different. She was a woman. She was beautiful. 

We'd spend nights together on the roof of the castle, talking for hours, watching the stars. Sometimes, watching the sun rise. We held hands and lay close so that our arms were touching. We were always touching. 

One night, she turned to me and kissed me squarely on the lips without so much as a word. 

"I love you." She said matter of factly. 

I swelled with pride. Of course I said it back. Of course I did. 

Those types of nights became more and more common, and it seemed we kissed for longer each time. Then, those nights turned into days. We'd meet in the forest, the crypts, the library, I'd sneak into her keep, she'd meet me in the practice shed - wherever we could be alone. 

We felt no shame ourselves, but we somehow knew that what we were doing was wrong. 

It was confusing. We'd both read about the Targaryens - how they'd wed brother and sister. Why was it wrong? I asked myself often. 

One day we met in the forest. We always met in a small alcove, surrounded by rocks on three sides and with a small, clear spring just beside us. 

She pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly, resting her head on my shoulder. 

"Robert Boratheon wants me as his." She said, her voice scratchy. "We will be married within the month." 

I took her face in mine. "I won't leave you. I'll go with you."

She nodded. "When you join the Kingsguard you'll live in king's landing too.

My stomach settled. I knew she would be married off one day. It helped to know that she would remain close to me. 

"Jamie.. are you... A virgin?" She asked me one day whilst we were in the forest. My heart pounded in my chest. 

She could tell how nervous I was. 

"I just ask because, well, they make such a big deal about girls staying virgins for their wedding but I've never heard the same about men."

"I'm not." I said, puffing my chest. It was a lie and I could tell she knew it. 

"They say it hurts for a girl the first time." 

I was silent for a minute. I didn't like the idea of that. 

"I wouldn't hurt you." I said. 

She laughed, her eyes shimmering with what I thought might be tears. 

"Jamie, it's not really up to you." She said. 

I shook my head. "I don't care. I wouldn't." 

She just looked at me for a moment and an overwhelming urge came over me. I pulled her face against mine, kissing her hard, like I needed her. I did, didn't I?

She kissed me back and I felt her fingers grip my sleeve tightly. 

I pressed her back against the rocks and, without another thought, I untied the lacing on the back of her dress. She let me. 

We took each other's innocence there in the forest. I was gentle, hardly able to bear the thought that she might be hurting. She didn't look hurt. 

Afterward, the way she clung to me told me that I had been ok. I hadn't pushed too hard or gone too fast. But I needed her to say it.

"Are you alright?" I asked. 

She smiled and kissed me. "I'm ok."

A week later I watched as she was wed to king Robert. She smiled at me as she walked off with him. She was so beautiful. 

* * *

Presently, there was a weight behind me, I turned quickly and realized she was sat down on the stairs, head in one hand while she still held my other.

"Cersei" I said calmly. "We need to keep moving."

She shook her head, looking down at her lap. "I'm scared."

She said it so quietly I could barely hear. Cersei was never afraid. Not of anything.

I could count on one hand the number of times she's said that to me.

Rubble crashed down beside us. For a moment, I was somewhere else...

* * *

She was pregnant. She was still regal, but perhaps slightly less intimidating. I imagined she hated that. That made me smile. 

I was smug those days. I would sneak little touches right in front of Robert. He never noticed. She always scolded me later. We were having a baby... Well - she was having a baby. I was having a "niece" or "nephew" with half my genetic material. Or maybe more than half? We were twins after all. 

Cersei was so careful. She stopped drinking altogether, wouldn't go out in the rain lest she fall ill. She barely left the castle. I wondered if she was afraid of what had happened to our mother. I didn't dare ask, but I worried.

One night I spied her in the galley, eating lemon cakes.

I chuckled when she saw me.

She smiled her half smile. "I have a terrible craving for something sweet." She said, swallowing and taking a sip of water from a golden chalice. 

"I thought you didn't like lemon cakes." I inquired, eyebrows raised. 

"No." She said, "I don't particularly. Unfortunately, we haven't any berries."

I leaned against the counter just as she was, supporting myself with one elbow as I allowed my left hand to slip over her back. 

"Jamie." She said sternly, staring down at her hands. She didn't move.

"There's nobody here." I assured her. "I miss you."

She snapped her head up to look at me. "You miss my cunt." 

It was not unlike Cersei to be graphic or blunt, however, her tone was surprisingly caustic. My brows furrowed in response. 

"No, I miss _y_ _ou_ , my sweet, sweet, innocent, ladylike, proper -"

She swatted at me, holding back laughter, pretending to be unamused as she always did, always had done, since we were children.

"My queen." I said, laughing, myself, as I moved to press my body against hers from behind.

I ran my fingers through her golden hair and pulled some away from her neck, placing my lips against the skin there. 

"I miss your cunt too." I purred.

She let out a snort. Emboldened and sporting a huge smile, I moved up to her ear. 

"I love you." I whispered, kissing the soft skin just behind her ear. "You can't tell me Robbie knows you the way I do."

She shook her head. I wished I could see her face. Honestly, though, fucking Robert had no idea how lucky he was. 

"He doesn't know how to make you feel good?" I asked. 

She shook her head.

"Who knows how to treat you?" I breathed, trailing my hand down her arm to her stomach.

"You." She whispered. 

"What was that?" I asked.

"You do." I let my hand trail lower, pressing against her and moving the way she liked. My other hand snaked up her chest to her breast, where I deftly slipped under her neckline to feel her taught nipple. I worked my hand there and felt her moving with me. 

She wanted me. She wanted only me. Not Robert, not Rhaegar, not some other knight. She wanted me.

I felt myself stiffening against her backside. She moaned lowly. 

"Tell me." I whispered in her ear.

"I want you." She said it aloud, throwing her head back to rest on my shoulder.

I took her shoulders and spun her around, lifting her up on the counter. She gasped, excitement plastered across her face. Poor thing, having to put up with Robert's antics.

I drew her gown up and undid my pants. Pulling her close, I teased her, my lips on her neck once more. "Tell me what you want." I whispered.

"I want you inside of me." She said languidly, tipping her head back as I rubbed circles against her.

"Who knows how to treat you?" I asked again.

"Mm you do." She was getting impatient. I loved it.

"Who?" I demanded.

"Jaime!" She nearly shouted before I entered her, causing her to grab at my back and lean forward to stifle her moan with my shoulder. 

I knew her body better than anyone. Maybe better than she knew it herself. I paid attention to every little twitch, every gasp, every curl of her fingers or toes. I committed them to memory so that I could always give her what she wanted. She was so perfect, and she had endured so much. I just wanted to give her everything she deserved.

She felt so good around me. She worked her lips to my ear and breathed my name as her fingers ran through my hair. I never wanted to stop. Unfortunately, my body decided otherwise.

"Come for me." I growled. It was too much. She nodded, shivering as I touched her at the same time.

"Jaime. Jaime. Ohh. Please, Jaime." 

It was amazing seeing her so unwound. That was just one of the many things I loved about sex with her - in public, and I suppose most of the time in private, she was always so well put together... So... Restrained. Seeing her like this was incredibly hot.

She came and it threw me over the edge as well. We breathed each other's air as we caught our breath. I helped her off the counter and pulled her against me, leaning down to press a kiss to her collarbone.

Her cheeks had taken on a lovely shade of red.

"Are you alright?" I asked, running my hand over the bump of her stomach.

She nodded. "You're leaving tomorrow, aren't you?"

I didn't ask how she'd found out. Maybe she'd just surmised it. I wouldn't put that past her, she was brilliant - smartest person I knew, man or woman. 

"I was going to tell you." I said glumly, hoping she didn't think that's why I wanted her now. I always wanted her. 

"You'll come back to me." She said it as a statement and not a question. 

"I'll always come back to you." I whispered, taking her face in my hands. 

Just then, we heard footsteps in the hall.

We kissed hastily and as she pulled away, I smoothed her hair back into place.

A servant joined us in the galley, apologizing profusely for interrupting. She was about to start dinner.

"No matter." Cersei assured her. "Ser Jaime and I were just having a snack."

She smirked at me and I could hardly keep it together. 

That night, I collected berries from the forest.

The next morning, my love - and her beast of a husband, I suppose - awoke to a basket full of them outside their door as I rode off to battle.

* * *

I always did come back to her. I was her knight. Her good knight. She could depend on me. 

I was here, now. 

I pulled her up and wrapped and arm round her waist, forcing her to walk with me. "We just need to keep going." I said. 

I tried to think about else something besides dying, besides seeing her for the last time.

* * *

I'd been wounded quite badly after a particularly rough battle and was in the medic tent with a fever. I kept thinking that this could be it. I lay there just picturing her face when they told her I'd died.

What would she do? She'd be alone with our baby... Well not alone but... Rather fucking alone, I thought. She'd have nobody to talk to. That imbecile Robert would be free to treat her however he pleased. I'd seen the bruises on her soft skin. I knew he hit her and I knew what he did to her in bed.

He wasn't bad, she'd tell me. Only when he was drunk, but the bastard sure loved his drink. She scolded me when I told her I wouldn't let him do it anymore. She seethed at the thought that she might need defending.

I sighed and a sharp pain scorched through my body. 

Of course she didn't need defending. She would find somebody else. I believed that. But I also knew that it wouldn't be the same. We were part of each other and I knew that nobody would replace me, just as nobody would replace her. 

I wondered if she were thinking about me. I wondered if she thought about me at night when Robert was snoring beside her. Did she want me there with her? Did she want me to hold her like I knew he never did? Did she want me?

Of course. I thought. I think so. Of course she did. I wanted her. I always wanted her.

And so I was lost in my thoughts of her until I heard word that she was under maester's care for the last few months of her pregnancy.

I journeyed back with a few men, stopping not once along the way.

When I finally reached the castle, I charged directly to her room. She was in labor. Had been through the night. She asked the maester to leave us for a few minutes and he obliged.

We fell into each other's arms. I saw the bruises Robert had left on her. He was off on a hunting trip. We were each fighting our own wars, she and I, is what I remember thinking.

I also remember thinking that day that not only was she the smartest person I'd ever know but also the strongest. The way she dealt with pain - poised, even as her body was split apart. I couldn't imagine being able to do it. 

When our baby was born - a boy, Joffery, I wanted nothing more than to kiss her and tell her how much I loved her and how beautiful she was.

I held Joffery there, next to her. I think she was afraid I would hurt him. 

That was the first time I'd realized how fiercely she loved our children, and I loved her all the more for it. 

I watched as she let him suckle at her breast, stroking his head, looking down on him as though he held all the answers. 

I wanted to love him the way she did, and I suppose I did from afar. We agreed that I should not see him often as we may raise suspicions, or become attached. 

He was the spitting image of her... Of us. Of course he was.

I thought about the baby that she'd lost before any of our children. It had been Robert's, and of course I had been jealous, but I had never wished ill on the child. And seeing the pain his death caused my sister... I would've done anything to bring him back to her. 

I held her as often as I could - usually during the day while Robert was away. She'd never sobbed so hard or held me so tightly as she had then... Until our other children...

I thought about the baby that she carried now. When she told me she said she wanted people to know it was ours. Together. 

"Yours.", She said when I asked whom she would tell the people it belonged to. She said it as if it were a stupid question. As though I shouldn't have even had to ask. But she said it with tears in her eyes and I knew how badly she wanted this too. I couldn't voice what that meant to me. To finally openly father a child with the woman I love just... It made me rather emotional. So much had changed.

I wanted desperately to meet this baby, and I knew she wanted the same. 

Cersei would've done anything for our children. 

Hurt her, and she'd kill you. But hurt our children, and she'd torture you until you were begging for death.

* * *

I focused on our memories as I pulled her deeper still into the tunnels. 

* * *

She lay there in her nightgown, her head in my lap as I stroked her hair. I could feel the silky golden strands run through my fingers. Her eyes were closed and she looked peaceful. She rarely looked that way. I was quiet. I couldn't tell if she was asleep, but I would've given anything to keep her there for a bit longer. 

Robert was away hunting, the big oaf. Nobody disturbed us that morning. We'd made love all night until the dawn. She'd drawn a bath and we settled into it together. She leaned back against my chest and I held her there, watching the sun rise, as golden as her hair but far less magnificent. 

We finally got out when the water ran cold, but we couldn't bring ourselves to leave the room. 

I loved mornings like that. It was almost as if we were really together, those days. Like we could live a normal life. 

Cersei stirred in my lap. She looked up at me with gleaming emerald eyes and smiled softly. 

"You've got to get going, Ser Jaime." She whispered. 

I shook my head. "I can stay."

I was staked in King's Landing for the time being, and though I could see her much more often, I wanted her now. 

"Robert will be back soon." She muttered, pulling herself up and out of my lap.

It was as if she'd torn skin from my body. It felt unnatural letting go of her. Painful. 

She must've seen me wince. She crawled on her hands and knees, bringing her face close to mine, pressing our foreheads together, nuzzling my nose. 

"Come see me again tomorrow night." She whispered before kissing me softly and so gently, her lips tickled mine. 

"I love you." Another kiss, softer, "I love you." Another kiss, softer, still. "I love you."

She whispered gently, following it with a final kiss so soft I barely felt her beautiful lips on mine.

Had there not been a knock on the door I would have taken her right then and there. 

Instead, in what I'm sure for her was a very amusing display of my masculinity, I hid in a closet as she answered the door.

It was only a servant, come to retrieve the Queen for some diplomatic matter or another.

She left the room without looking back. 

No matter how painful it was to live these fragments of a life with her, I thought, it was worth it. It was never enough and yet always better than nothing. 

I planned on seeing her the next night. I planned on coming the minute she retired for night, but Robert unexpectedly returned home that afternoon.

I saw him, lumbering through the courtyard, ogling a servant girl as he threw down his armour. 

I imagined him returning to her room, pressing her against a wall and undressing her. I imagined him, huge, hairy and sweaty against her smooth, white skin. 

I imagined him heaving over her as he fucked her, not sparing a moment to think of her, just fucking, fucking her. 

I realized my hand was clenched so tightly it was beginning to go numb. 

The thought of her with him. Her husband. I scoffed. She hated him. That's what she told me. He hurt her - I'd seen the bruises. She told me he was clumsy, putting his hands where he pleased with no regard. 

Once, I remembered, he'd choked her. I nearly went mad when I saw the marks on her neck - the complete outline of his fat hand etched into her skin in a bright purple. 

She held me back, wore the bruises proudly to court, displaying them for all to see. Showing everyone who their king truly was. 

Boratheon turned as purple as her bruises when he saw her walk in, but he didn't dare do anything about it lest he leave more marks. 

I was alone in my room that night, trying to think of anything but she and Robert when I heard my door creak open and then shut. 

I looked up and my heart leapt. She stood in the doorway, all regal and beautiful, hair cascading down her shoulders.

She came to me, crawling into bed and into my arms.

I kissed her without a word, tucking a strand of hair back behind her ear. 

"Take me." She whispered. "I need you."

I was hard before she'd finished saying the words.

I sat up and pulled her with me, my hands working at the laces of her dress.

I kissed her neck as I pulled them apart, my hands gliding over the soft skin of her back. 

"I love you." I breathed shakily. Doing my best to restrain myself. I wanted to show her how much better I was than Robert. 

It was so fucked up, I thought. No matter how many times she told me she hated the fucking ogre, I was still jeaous. But of course I was, what kind of a man would I be if I weren't? I wanted her so badly, I didn't care how she came to me.

She looked at me with trusting eyes as I pulled her dress off. I'd seen her a million times before but every time was like the first. I marveled at her. 

She wore lace tonight, black lace, framing her breasts, the tops of them just peaking out. It was translucent, so delicate I could see right through it and it made me burn hot with desire.

She smiled at me in the weak candlelight and I committed the image to memory.

I leaned closer to her, pulling her into my lap as I wrapped my arms around her back.

I worked my lips on her neck, kissing softly, teasing her, as I undid the lace covering her breasts. 

I held her back with one hand as I leaned down to take her nipple in my mouth, sucking gently and then nibbling the way she liked. 

I heard her breath hitch in her throat and she sighed softly, caressing the back of my head.

I pushed her back and lay her down gently as I worked my way over to her other breast. 

Before long, she was whining, becoming impatient. 

I moved up to press my lips to her ear.

"Shh. Shh." I whispered. "Let me."

I kissed my way down her belly to the lace that covered her sex and I slid them off slowly, taking my time to look at her, laying there waiting for me. 

I moved my thumb painfully slowly up her slit, feeling how much she wanted me. 

I brought my tongue to her, longing to taste her again. It had been far too long. 

I lost myself as she filled my senses. Nothing else mattered, not Robert, not father, not the bloody seven kingdoms. Just this. Just us. 

I was slow, so slow. She bucked and grinded and grasped my hand, egging me on, trying to make me give in, but I didn't. I wanted to make her burn as hotly as I did. 

"Jaime." She pleaded, my name sounding so sweet in her mouth. "Jaime, please."

I gave in a little, inserting one finger into her. Upon hearing her gasp, I inserted another, and she moaned - the sweetest little sound I have ever heard. I only wanted to hear it again.

I moved my fingers inside of her as I worked my tongue, and she began to shake. I used my free hand to hold her belly, trying to still her, making her take it. 

"Jaime." She breathed, "please."

I wanted her so badly but I kept at it and soon she was whimpering and mewling and her thighs were pressed tight against my temples.

I couldn't help but smile as I helped her down slowly, taking in the taste of her.

I felt her hand on my back, pulling at my shirt and I lifted my head to look at her. 

Her cheeks were flushed and pink, glowing against her milky white skin. Her eyes were darker than usual, half-lidded and soft. 

"I love you." I whispered, kissing her sex one last time.

"I love you." I whispered again, moving up and kissing the junction between her hip and thigh. 

"I love you." I breathed, holding the back of her head and leaning down, crashing my lips against hers.

Our tongues danced together as I felt her hands fall to my waistline, working at the buttons before pushing the fabric down.

She took me in her hand and I shuddered. 

I took her wrists and gently moved her arms back over her head. 

I moved against her, just sliding up and down, feeling how wet I'd gotten her, teasing her further. 

She pressed her hips up against me

"Jaime, I..." She trailed off, moaning softly.

"What is it?" I asked, kissing her neck.

"I need you inside of me." She whispered. "Please..."

Maybe it was wrong of me but I liked the thought of her so desperate for me that she ached inside. I felt that way all too often. 

She was the only woman I'd ever known, and the only one I cared to. 

As I moved inside her we reached for eachother, holding on so tightly, pressing against the other, desperately needing to be close. 

I didn't think about anything then. I was whole. This is how we were meant to be. If I could have her every minute of every day, I thought, I would. And it still wouldn't be enough.

I felt her tighten around me, her legs pushing me deeper. 

"Jaime. Don't stop."

I was trying quite hard not to. 

I pressed my face against her neck and breathed her in. She was the opposite of me in so many ways; where I was hard and calloused, she was soft and smooth. Where I was prickly, she was silky, I smelled of leather and iron armour, she, always of flowers or honey. But we were the same. 

"I need you." She breathed, bringing me back to the present. "Jaime I want to feel you come inside of me. I want you. I want you." She shuddered and came, shaking against me.

It threw me over the edge. I convulsed against her, holding her close, still. 

We lay there for a while, skin slick with sweat, sticky against eachother. 

Finally, she kissed my forehead and I pulled back, peeling myself off of her and longing for more already.

We bathed eachother, taking our time, before she had to go.

I stood by the door as she tied up her gown. 

She came to me and leaned against my chest. There was no joking tonight, no flirting or jabbing.

She took my face in her hands and I felt my stomach flip as she kissed me.

I wanted her to stay. I wanted so badly for her to stay. I almost said it. I almost asked her to, but I already knew the answer. She couldn't. She never could. 

"Ser Jaime." She whispered her goodbye to me, smiling softly. 

"My queen." I replied, voice hoarse. 

And she was gone. 

* * *

I heard a loud bang and she squeezed my hand. "It's ok." I whispered. 

* * *

Cersei had recently given birth to Tommen. I hadn't the time or opportunity to speak with her much lately as we were often out on week-long maneuvers. 

I missed her. I missed her so much. 

I came to her room one lucky night while Robert was out presumably drinking and/or fucking some Fleabottom whore. 

Things were getting to me; Robert claiming my children as his own, father breathing down my neck, the fucking slaughter going on around me every day, seeing her only in secrecy. I couldn't take it anymore. 

I stormed in, about to start yelling about things, but I took one look at her, cradling Tommen in her arms and instead I was overwhelmed with sadness. 

She looked up at me, waving me over. 

I sat next to her on the balcony off her room, stars twinkling above us and stared down at our beautiful baby boy. 

I reached out gently and smoothed his feathery hair back. Golden, just like his mother's. 

She glanced at me and, without a word, placed him in my hands. 

"He has your nose." She said softly, and I laughed because as children everyone had always told us we had the same nose. She smirked. 

I laughed, still, but I felt tears stinging my eyes. 

I tried to stop them, to be strong but I couldn't. 

"Jaime..." I heard Cersei whisper.

She took Tommen from me and placed him in his crib. 

She returned to the balcony and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me against her chest. 

"Shh. Shh." She soothed. She rocked me gently and stroked my hair. 

I was mortified, crying in front of my sister. I was supposed to be strong. I was a knight.

She didn't seem to care.

She pulled me closer and kissed my temple, pressing her forehead against mine.

"It's ok. It's alright." I'd never heard her speak so gently to anyone but our children. "It's alright." She said again, running her hand in circles across my back.

I leaned over and held on to her, clutching the sleeve of her gown tightly. And then, feeling ridiculous, I shot up from the bench we sat upon and wiped my arm across my eyes, clearing my throat. She stood up as well.

"Jaime." She whispered, stepping forward and pulling me back against her. I let her. I felt so weak, so useless. I buried my face in the crook of her neck and held onto her tightly.

"I'm sorry." I choked out. "I'm sorry."

She stroked my hair. "So am I." She breathed. 

I held a fistful of her hair and sobbed and she just held me. 

"Stay with me." I begged. "Just for tonight. Please. Please. Just tonight."

It was pathetic. I was so fucking pathetic, but I couldn't take it anymore. Our whole life was lived behind closed doors. It drove me mad.

Cersei could be cruel, especially when it came to things like this, but she never once admonished me for it. 

"Jaime... You know I can't."

I pulled back and nodded. "I know." I said, wiping my eyes again. 

I couldn't look at her. I didn't want to, not like this. 

I felt her against me, her hands on my cheeks. She forced me to look her in the eye. 

"A lion waits for the right time to pounce." She said. "One day, my love, we will be together, always."

I believed her. She could find a way to make anything work. 

She kissed me gently, but I needed more. I pulled her close and held her there, my hand back in her hair. Our tongues danced together. I pressed her against the wall. 

"Jaime- Robert is coming back." I pulled the lace from her dress and leant down to kiss her chest, making my way up to her neck. She was so warm. 

"Jaime." She tried to push me away but I was too strong for her. I kept on trying to undress her. I needed to be with her. I needed to feel her. 

Everything went quiet for me. I think she kept saying my name, trying to be quiet so nobody would hear, or maybe so as not to wake Tommen. She kept resisting me but I wouldn't stop. Finally, she slapped me across the face.

I froze. What was I doing?

I hung my head, apologizing profusely. I took my hands off her, backing up slowly. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

She tied her dress back up. 

"Please leave." Was all she said.

I didn't hear from her for several days. I was too ashamed to face her. I missed her. I thought about her. I thought about our children.

One night, maybe a week later, my door opened as I lay there in the dark, restless as ever. 

I sat up in bed.

The moonlight shone off her eyes and illuminated the edges of her hair.

"I'm sorry." I said. "Cersei, I'm so sorr-"

"Shh." She cut me off, making her way over to me. She was barefoot. It must've been the middle of the night. Had she left Robert?

She climbed into my bed. I was too afraid to reach out for her. 

She pulled me into her arms. I rested my head on her shoulder and felt her press her lips to my forehead. 

"It's alright." She whispered.

I burst out crying. I had so much guilt over everything; pushing her, overpowering her, not being around for our children, not protecting her from Robert... Everything. What kind of a man was I?

I was a coward. 

"Shh." She whispered, stroking my hair. 

I held on to her tightly, afraid she might disappear. It didn't feel real. 

"I'm sorry." I choked. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"I know." She spoke calmly and I imagined this was how she spoke to our children when they were upset.

She held me until I stopped crying. God, how pitiful I was. 

She moved her hand along my back, slowly working it up and down. 

"Jaime. I love you." She whispered. "I love you and I want to be with you. And I want you to be a father to our children."

I nodded against her breast. 

"I'm sorry."

"No, look at me." 

She shot back. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault, and I'm going to fix it. I promise."

I stared at her. "But I need time." She sighed. "I need so much time."

I nodded. I could do that. If there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I could do that. I would've done it anyway. There was no other option. I needed her. 

"We have time." I whispered. 

She nodded. 

"I'm sorry." I whispered, sniffling. 

"Stop apologizing." She said gently, playing with my ear. 

"We've been together our whole lives." She said to me, "We'll always be together. It's always been you."

I hadn't realised how much I'd needed to hear her say that. 

I nodded and pulled her closer. She held me all night. 

When I awoke in the morning, I was still in her arms. She was sleeping soundly. 

"Cersei." I whispered, afraid Robert would wake and wonder where she was.

She stirred, her eyes fluttering open.

I stroked her delicate face. "It's getting late." I said. "Robert will be up soon." 

She smiled and kissed me. "Fuck Robert." 

We spent the whole morning together. 

* * *

Another time, I remembered, she came to my room after spending several nights away with Robert. I tried my best to ignore the bruises on her neck. Robert left them only where the public wouldn't see them.

I wanted to talk to her but she pushed me against a wall and crashed her mouth to mine. 

Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I responded enthusiastically, lifting her up and turning us around so her back was against the wall. She wrapped her legs around my hips and I felt her fingers comb through my hair. I moved my lips to her neck, sucking roughly, avoiding the bruises as best I could. I tried not to think about Robert putting them there. 

"Jaime." She breathed, rolling her head back. 

I wondered what her day had been like.

I walked her over to the bed, laying her down gently and working at the laces of her dress until I was able to pull it off. 

I looked at her for a minute. More bruises covered her beautiful skin. 

I stripped off my shirt and pants and crawled over to her, running my hands down her arms and kissing her shoulder blade, working my way back up her neck and to her lips. 

I lay her back so I was on top of her and I touched her gently, moving my hands the way she liked.

"Oh." She sighed. "Jaime." She clung to my arm. 

I smiled at her, nuzzling her nose. 

I shifted my weight and saw her wince. I realised I'd probably touched on a bruise and I resolved to be more careful.

I teased her for a while, getting her worked up before she began to whine.

"I want you." She whimpered. 

I wanted her, too.

I tried my best to be gentle, but she pulled me tightly against her and I felt her nails scrape down my back. 

"Harder." She begged. "Jaime, harder."

It was hot. I tried to give her what she wanted. 

I was lost in the moment, feeling her skin on mine, actively noticing her warmth, her smell, the way she felt. My head was buried in the crook of her neck.

"Harder." She grunted. "Please Jaime. Harder." 

I tried to, but I truly felt like I would hurt her. 

"Please." I heard her voice break and she sniffled. "Please."

I drew back to look at her and she was crying, staring off out the window. 

When she noticed that I'd stopped, she clung to me.

"Don't stop. Jaime. Please, please don't stop." Hot tears streamed down her cheeks.

"Don't stop." She sounded desperate. 

"Are you hurt?" I asked, worried I had done something. 

She pushed against me, slapping my shoulders. 

"I need you." She cried angrily. "Please, please, Jaime, just do this for me, please. I need to feel you."

I tried to get back into it, but I couldn't. She was quiet as I pushed in and out of her, my one hand cradling her head, and the other wiping tears from her cheeks.

She closed her eyes for a minute before breaking into sobs.

I immediately rolled off of her, pulling her into my arms and rocking her.

"Shh. Shh." I whispered. "You're alright."

She wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her face to my chest. I could feel her tears.

I rubbed her back and whispered to her.

"It's ok. You're safe. You're ok." And then, "I love you. I love you. I love you."

She cried still, but less. 

As she began to calm down, she whimpered against me. I had never seen her this way. 

When she finally looked up at me, I took her face in my hands and kissed the streaks of tears under each of her eyes. 

"Come here." I whispered, pulling her into my lap and cradling her.

She leaned against me and I held her there tightly. 

"I'm sorry." She whispered, sounding broken.

I shook my head. "Talk to me." I said softly, needing an explanation.

She told me about Robert how he'd been getting fed up with her denying his advances. He started forcing himself on her.

"I just needed to feel you." She said softly. "So I could stop feeling him."

It was hard to see Cersei this way, especially knowing there wasn't much I could do about it. That fat fucking oaf would love a reason to have my head. But I couldn't just sit here while he hurt her.

"Stop it." She said harshly, pushing my chest.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"I can take care of myself." She said, wiping tears off her cheeks with her forearm. "I just wanted you. I just wanted to feel good again."

I swelled with pride for a moment that I might be the best she's had. 

But remembering that she was hurting, I quickly reigned myself in. 

"I don't want you involved." She said flatly. "Jaime, swear to me you'll leave it alone."

I swore, but there was only so much I could take and I told her such. 

"Robert is not going to be a concern of ours for much longer." She said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. 

"Lions are far more resilient than stags." 

And I knew Robert was not long for this world. 

* * *

We finally reached the bottom. I held her hand as pulled her along. 

We reached the center of the chamber. I stopped in my tracks. It was filled with rubble. Every exit. 

I let go of her to inspect more closely. Fuck, fuck, fuck. We were going to die. 

"I want our baby to live." I heard her squeak. 

I turned to her. 

"I want our baby to live." She repeated, breathlessly, nodding. 

"I don't want to die. I don't want to die, Jaime. Please don't let me die."

I went to her, took her in my arms. "Shh, shh." I tried to calm her down. 

"Look at me. Look at me." She wouldn't. 

"Not like this." She said, and I wasn't sure if she was talking about our imminent death or the fact that she didn't want me to see her this way. I figured the latter.

"Look at me!" I shouted, taking her face in my hands, feeling her cheeks damp with tears.

This woman I loved. This woman who I had known even before I was born, whom I'd shared everything with. Who had grown up alongside me and suffered as I had. Who'd suffered worse than I had. I looked now at her golden hair, chopped back by those bastard sparrows and thought only of how beautiful she looked. It suited her. 

I thought of all the times we'd laughed together, how many wondrous times we'd made love, of the many, many times we'd fought, of the times we'd birthed children into the world, of the times we'd lost them. I thought of the times we'd clung to each other. We were never meant to be apart. It didn't matter what anyone thought, what anyone said. They didn't matter. We were together. She is mine and I am hers. Nothing else matters. She'd told me that once.

"Nothing else matters." I repeated it aloud to her. 

I felt her still. Her breathing slowed. I watched tears stream down her face, but she was calm. We needn't say another thing. We knew. She ran her fingers along my jaw, feeling the stubble there as she'd done a million times before. It was me. It was her. We were together. Nothing else mattered. 


End file.
